I don't drink, thanks
by TheFarceHunter
Summary: Agent Nein wanted to kill Zanotto for hosting a party for the Psychonauts. Sasha chuckled in embarrassment, knowing he had far too much to drink. “Milla better not hear my thoughts right now.” Rated T for language.
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: I do not own Psychonauts.

Summary: Agent Nein wanted to kill Zanotto for hostinga party for the Psychonauts. Sasha chuckled in embarrassment, knowing he had far too much to drink. "Milla better not hear my thoughts right now." Rated teen for language and out of self-defense from all you people who hate my writing (joking, people)…

Chapter one- Zanotto, you idiot.

"How sick is that? My own father, too…" Morceau Oleander sobbed into Ford Cruller's shirt as he told his life story in his drunken haze. To Psychonaut Sasha Nein, this was the party from _hell_. He was escorted to many of Milla's dance parties in the past, against his will nonetheless. This, however, was quite different. Zanotto had called all the Psychonauts down to a "small professional gathering", but Sasha knew it was more than that. The stoic German, who was significantly more interested in his experiments and theories, would have politely declined the invitation. As Sasha was about to call Zanotto to give an excuse for not attending the party, Milla Vodello snuck into his lab and delicately placed her hand on his shoulder. "You know, darling, this party might be _fun_. I know you are just being yourself, but could you _not_, just for once?" A normal person would be scared shitless from the intrusion, but Sasha, being psychic, anticipated her arrival. "Agent Vodello, you and I both know this little 'gathering' will be nothing more than Morry getting drunk out of his mind, Ford eating himself sick, and all of the rookies staring at the wall and doing nothing. Besides, I am busy. I have science to entertain myself. I assure you, the world will not end in violent cataclysm if I stay here." Milla furtively pretended to understand as she shrugged her shoulders. "Well, if you insist, I guess you don't _have_ to go. I'll just go all by myself, with nobody to make sure I don't get raped, killed, or kidnapped. I'll see you later, darling." Sasha's head jerked up from his experiments, surprised that Milla had not _told_ him he would be there at six, or told him to wear the striped tie, or anything to that extent. "Really? Well, Milla, I will see you…" Sasha was jerked from his computer and dragged out of his lab. "Just kidding, darling," Milla smirked as Sasha slapped his forehead, as he was obviously expecting _way_ too much maturity from his Brazilian partner.

Author's note:Flames keep the liberal artists warm at night. If youfeelit necessary to the survival of humanity to criticize make sure to refrain from dramatic misspellings andgrammatical errors which hurt my feelings (DoInG tHiS sHiT,saying "awezomez!" or "This suckz!",orworst of all, spelling"grammar" as "GRAMMER"!). Lastly, please try to be constructive. Basically, try not to be clinically stupid. Thank you for your cooperation.

-Farce


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note: To whoever decided to leave me a comment, thanks. I know the chapter was too short, but I meant it to be an introduction, not really a full chapter. (XD I can't write…) By the way, I don't own Psychonauts. Enjoy my piece of crap :)

Chapter Two: I don't drink, thanks…

"Nein! Vodello! How nice to see you both! Come on in." Zanotto's cheerful voice was masked with a hint of alcohol. If you were the poor soul hosting a party with Ford Cruller, Morceau Oleander, and the many other "interesting" characters of the Psychonauts, you would drink too. Nein forced a smile as he and Milla were escorted to the dining room, where wine was consumed as if it was water. "Look, Milla. They are completely blasted, and we have not even been here for five minutes. Let's leave, shall we?" Sasha buttoned up his coat and grabbed Milla's arm, but he was stopped by an army of rookies before he could take three steps. "Hey, guys! It's Sasha Nein, the department chair at the Academy!" Afraid of the mob developing in the living room of Zanotto's house, Sasha decided to scratch "escape" off his list of plans for _this_ party. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Milla wave to Oleander, who had already began telling stories to Razputin and a very uninterested Ford Cruller. The elder Psychonaut entertained himself with a piece of half-eaten bacon. As Milla headed to the table, Sasha let go of her arm and stood in the corner of the room. He turned around as he felt a tap on his shoulder, and he raised his eyebrows in confusion as he saw Lili Zanotto before him. "Miss Zanotto, why are you here? I mean, I understand that this is your home, but isn't this an adult party?" He glanced down at her cup and grew even more disturbed. "Are you…_drinking_?" Lili glowered at him. "This would be grape juice, Agent Nein. I'm eleven years old, you know. Anyways, I'm here 'cause Raz is here. No questions asked. Why are you here? You are the last person I would have thought to be at a party." Sasha chuckled a bit at the young girl's attitude and tried to respond without deeply offending her. "Well, let us say I'm here for no other particular reason, Miss Zanotto, than anyone else." Sasha bid Lili farewell as he was stalked by a few rookie Psychonauts. He saw Milla, Ford, and Razputin listening to Morceau, narrating a long and tedious story, no doubt, and the German agent decided to join them to evade his ever-growing 'fan club'. By the time he found them, they _all _had way too much to drink, with the exception of Razputin, who had grown tired of the adults and left the table to find Lili. Even Milla, who rarely drank alcohol, was a bit more cheerful than usual. She giggled and blushed at Oleander as he finished telling stories and moved on to jokes. Sasha groaned quietly and rubbed his temples. How did he know that would happen? He sat down, trying not to be noticed by his colleagues but failed miserably. "Hey, Nein, what's shakin'? Have something to drink already." Morry stumbled over his words, and Sasha shook his head. "No, thank you. I don't drink." Milla threw her arms around him, and the German stiffened. "Oh, come on, Sasha. You know you want to." Sasha's jaw nearly dropped. These people, though weird on a daily basis, were clearly embarrassing themselves. Milla giggled and flushed again as she hung on to Sasha tightly. Ford was no more drunk than infatuated with his piece of bacon, and as he tried to place it delicately in his mouth, it slipped and fell on the wood floor. Lacking his senses, he reached down and grabbed the bacon, eating it in a single bite. Sasha was confused and sickened, but it didn't matter after a while of looking over his shoulder to see the rookie Psychonauts searching the house like the National Inquirer looking for a celebrity. The German agent sighed as he accepted a glass of wine. As he drank, his frustration melted away, and he smiled at his co-workers. "Nein, what deep, dark secret are _you_ holding back?" Morry raised an eyebrow and prodded into Sasha's most sensitive subject. After a few drinks, however, Sasha was not too offended. The intensity of Sasha's speech and glare softened significantly, and he was willing to give his fellow Psychonauts the time of day, after three glasses of wine, of course. "Not that it's any of your _business_, Morry, I do have some secrets. Unfortunately for you, I'm not spilling the beans." Sasha grinned as he spoke, still desperately trying not to talk about himself, but he could not be as stern as he normally was. His mind was unable to focus on anything for a while, but after gazing at Milla for quite some time, Sasha found he could not keep his eyes off of her. He had always known she was beautiful, but in his "mellowed" state, he could point out every detail of her face, every pigment in her clothing, and he wanted to stare at her forever. The Brazilian noticed her partner, however, and snapped him out of his gawking. "Sasha, are you alright? You seem tired. Should we go now?" Milla looked concerned, but Sasha was too happy to leave. He shook his head and replied with a humorous tone in his voice. "Oh, Milla, you worry too much. Relax, will you?" Sasha's unperturbed manner did not just slightly concern Milla, it upset her. She had spent much time with the man, and she knew that he did not want to act the way he was acting. It was best for him to leave now, before he humiliated himself. He giggled mentally as he could not help but think of her in some perverted manner. "I hope Milla isn't reading my mind right now. That would be bad…" He tried to contain the thoughts flooding through his mind, but all attempts were futile. Milla had apparently heard that one as she turned to face him. "Whoops," Sasha buried his face in his arms, which were folded over the table in his exhaustion, "I'll be hearing about that tomorrow. Or maybe the other way around. I'm too blasted to think about it." Morry and Ford looked at each other when they saw Nein sleeping at the table. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Morry's eyebrows raised as Ford grinned slyly. "Of course I am, you dimwit! Now let's get him!" They crept over as quietly as they could and sat on either side of Sasha. Ford held a glass of cold water over the sleeping Nein's head, and they both counted to three. On three, the water splashed down Sasha's neck, and he woke up with a jolt. His sunglasses were hanging awry off his face, but not enough for them to see his eyes. Ford and Morry burst into hysterics, and Sasha smiled sheepishly, adjusting his glasses as carefully as possible, and fell asleep again on the table. Milla eyed him as he decided to take his revenge. He whistled innocently (or not) as he telekinetically dumped a pitcher of water over both Cruller and Morceau, who had not remembered in their extremely impaired state that Sasha could, indeed, use psychic powers. As they came to their senses, Morceau shivered and walked over to Sasha. "Hey, Sasha. Let's call it a truce, okay?" Nein did not respond. A tad worried, the elder Psychonaut sat next to Sasha, reached his hand delicately over his head, and in one movement, he grabbed him by the hair and shouted, "Sasha? Wake up, boy. It's only eleven!" This wake-up call was a bit too much for the German to handle, and in his drunken haze, he telekinetically threw Ford across the room. Dazed and quite hurt in his lack of awareness, Cruller tried to fight back, but Milla would not allow it. "Come on, darling. Let's go home now." Milla waved goodbye to all of her friends and levitated out the door, dragging a very inebriated Sasha along with her.


End file.
